My last hard weeks and a big confession

In the last 2 weeks one has not heard much from me and seen, because I worked off a lot. And today I make a big concession. At some point, every strong person gives up.
 Activities & Initiatives  

Two weeks ago, I restructured my website and expanded it massively. Since I only need a chapter at the bottom ‘my private life’. By the way, in the end I will offer the many contents in a kind of e-book and paperback. The idea took me a girlfriend needed. Because I could write so much about my private life. Therefore, the whole is summarized only on the bottom ‘my private life’ and as a ‘background book about the writer Emily-Rose Frank’ as an e-book version for 1.99 euros and as a paperback version for probably 6.99 or 7.99 Euro offered. Anyone who buys an annual subscription to my upcoming book series ‘Quo Vadis: Destruction of Civilization’ will receive the background book for free.

A few days ago I also renewed my private website technically. He does not even believe how much work it was and how much faster the site became. And, most likely, Google will reward my efforts in the medium term as faster and easier-to-use websites are rated better. And since then my private website is encrypted with SSL and has become much safer for you. Incidentally, I was able to implement the experience from CrowdCharity today.

And that’s how I spent my day today. I have technically revised the website of CrowdCharity – a nonprofit organization of mine – and also set the SSL encryption there. Incidentally, CrowdCharity was once the Cultura Interventus. More here.

On Tuesday I finally had my first appointment with my psychologist in Kastellaun. There I am because of my depression. More about that right now. I told him everything, how the development of my illness was and also about my transsexuality. He then asked me if I was already in therapy or looking for it. I told him then that I could not find anybody on the spot and only drive to a big city when I run my book publishing company again.

On Saturday I will show you the finished publishing platform and next week Friday I will introduce you to my first book ‘Quo Vadis: Destruction of Civilization’, then with an excerpt, finished book covers and many more.

And how it went with my psychologist? I have another appointment on the 22nd of December. My medications have been increased and it looks like I would have to go see my own psychologist for my hormone therapy. At least he wanted to send me to Frankfurt for a consultant position. But I do not need counseling, but a treatment to become a real woman physically. Maybe I’ll make it clear at the next meeting, after all there was not enough time for the topic of transsexuality.

I hope that I will not need a sick leave again from mid to late January 2018. Because from February 2018 my book publisher should pay me a salary for the first time. Whether it will end up only 1,000 or 2,000 euros net, I’ll see then, the main thing I finally earn my own money with my book publisher. Then I would have managed to live off my business.

Then I could start looking for a real flat. Because my current basement apartment is only about 15 square meters and was at the beginning just a stopgap. But then my identity crisis and depression came along and since summer also my panic attacks and anxiety disorders. Maybe my flat also fed my depression. LOL.

Where do I want to go then? Maybe in the direction of Lake Constance or Westallgäu – Lindenberg im Allgäu / Scheidegg -. But there are also small chances that I rather choose the beautiful Alpine landscape but rather in a city like Mainz. Because if it goes after the pictures and nature, I would take the natural landscape Westallgäu. I just like the alpine landscape. Between January and February 2018 I would like to go to Westallgäu. To make some city tours with other friends in Koblenz and Mainz. Because I still have a little worry when it comes to society.

Why am I worried about society? Because as a transsexual woman, I also have a social – u. a. to volunteer – and to use politically, to participate in society and build a good circle of friends at my age. Maybe I could have much easier in Mainz and I would not be far from my old contacts. But my depression does not make things easier for me because I have problems thinking clearly and making decisions.

And now, at the right moment, we come to my great confession, in advance a brief note, what was going on with me.

As everyone knows or some people, I have been suffering from depression since the end of 2015. At the beginning of 2017 I thought that I did not suffer from it anymore and that I had overcome the illness myself. But honestly, I just did not notice the disease. Because new symptoms such as violent mood swings and not able to cope with stress, I noticed in the spring of 2017. In fact, when I finally got my driver’s license, that’s the only way I noticed it. Then I started thinking about depression.

In addition I have to say that I had an identity crisis since the end of 2015, which I only finally clarified in May 2017. Namely, if I was born in the wrong body. And today I live really happily as a transsexual woman, so since the end of October 2017, since I’ve been out in public. The year 2018 and 2019 will be very important for me, where I also legally and biologically become a woman.

In the summer of 2017, I realized that I needed a whole week to complete a task. So where you actually do the job in one day. And today, it explains a lot, why I needed a year for the restructuring of my book publisher. I have looked at my mistakes with my book publisher and how I can learn from it or what I should do differently or better, this revised my business model and its business plan and finally present the new publishing platform on the weekend.

For a month I was able to work some dimensions again or could increase my workload massively. At the end of November 2017, I also resumed my activities as a blogger. And frankly, she does it very well, just write everything and sometimes just let the feelings out. This will happen more often now.

And now my big confession

I know my depression, panic attacks and anxiety disorders come before. I have discovered a thread from my youth that goes on until today. As a teenager, I like to take part in recreation as an employee and very reluctant as a participant. Also, I was mostly to 150% as an employee here. Exactly this behavior I have also put in my book publishing and social media. The one reason.

The other reason has been the last 4 to 8 years. At some point, every strong person gives up. At that time, I was considered a self-confident and purposeful person. Exactly the two great personalities I had lost massively through my illness. Since the medication I feel better already. And also because I met some new people over the internet, where I exchange. But what happened in the last 4 to 8 years? I have twice tried to graduate, I have not been able to forget the dropouts for years. Especially in the last attempt, where I felt in the class with 90% girls very well. Since I had to cancel it, because I have done quite a bit by a conflict with the youth welfare office myself and ended up putting the school in danger, so the benefits went down ever deeper. Today, I should not have helped my brother and should have focused on me. A big weakness of mine, so I do not just think about myself. I also had no easy life. Financially I had always had very little money and thus could hardly spend any free time and my last vacation was about 9 years ago.

And the biggest mistake I made back in 2013. After the youth welfare office conflict and demolition of the school, I had not been very stable. So I quickly fell for the next case. A businessman wanted to send me at his expense to England for half a year, everything was clarified. Only the flight was missing. So I canceled an ALG2 action. And when the time came, the entrepreneur withdrew all his offer. And then I stood there and I was the ALG2 deleted, because of the action abort. The entrepreneur was also the apartment I had there and his employee had then turned off the power and then I could not work for my old company – GbR later cooperative. But in the end everything turned out differently than expected. I had power back after a few weeks, but then I was simply changed the lock and my colleagues from my company have me out of my company and gave me no chance to be able to pay the problems in the company itself or it was there for a few months a cooperative, with which I was perhaps the founder, idea generator and managing director, but no longer the sole owner of the company. There I stood, homeless for a week and no longer a company. In court, I had to fight for the access of my apartment. Thanks to a friend who was there, I was able to make a good comparison, as I myself was totally unstable and if I had drunk anything else, I might have been used up, at least I had a feeling of being empty. And I have regretted my mistakes in the cooperative until today and in my actions at my current book publisher too limited, that the depression was no wonder or had the best conditions. All this can be read in detail on my bottom ‘my private life’ until the e-book is done.

What has restricted me so much? By my biggest mistake in my life in my opinion, I had professionally written a very innovative business model at my book publishing house today, started with 500 euros starting capital and preached only the novel concept, but acted old-fashioned. Only in the economy, you can only make money with the old-fashioned way, if you already have a lot of money. But what had been my plan? The first thing I do through an old-fashioned publishing business with e-books sales and build the chapter to build through some partners, among other things, a crowdfunding platform and make the marketing and book production of strangers. I thought, you have to do something like that. So give all tasks to others. In the end, I simply had not shown the courage to dare. So I denied my own nature, but only after I made my biggest mistake in my life. So that I do not hurt or disappoint people again. In the end I have achieved exactly the opposite with it. I denied myself, gradually ruined myself and put myself off.

Because when I was working with my ex-colleagues, I was still totally different. I was not only purposeful in the plans, I also lived it. At the time, I had the courage to try something innovative and take a risk. At the time, I also led my open style in business life. All that I have denied afterwards. I just wanted to tackle my old business idea again. I really wanted to continue. Alone in my book publisher are about 4,000 euros from me. And one day, I hope that maybe I’m back in contact with some of my colleagues. And unfortunately there was a big bang, but because I forgot myself.

Because from there my depression started. I already wrote about it here, later came the panic attacks and anxiety disorders. The latter was extremely bad for me in September and October 2017. I do not even wish that to my enemies. In the two years I could hardly do my publishing work and thereby annoyed some authors. The publisher has also come into financial problems, which is not helpful to me in my depression. I just could not do anything in the first year. In the second year, I concentrated on learning from my private and professional mistakes and drawing lessons from them. Because of the panic attacks and anxiety disorders I realized, I have to go under the people. The tablets since October helped me a lot. But there was only one problem. Three authors were still in contact with me on Facebook. But since I can not cope with stress and try to make my book publishing firm fit again, there was only one option. A temporary blocking on Facebook. I did not like it very much. But I had to see that I gradually come back to life and participate in life again and if that is only digital in the beginning. I just do not have more opportunities, except to end my life in an emergency. Do not worry, I just wanted to make clear what might happen if I’d let the negative cycle continue.

And it helped a lot. I feel much more stable. With stress, I’m still not very clear, but professionally I’m ready to start again in a week. Finally. Today I wrote an article on my charity CrowdCharity that she will be active again soon. On Facebook, I’ve opened a Facebook group for CrowdCharity and for my book publisher, as well as a group for dating, friends, fun and entertainment. These three groups will then make each other great and fulfill my vision of Nextbookup and CrowdCharity. I am leading my open mind again and to live what I want. Whether as an entrepreneur or transsexual woman. I have realized that I have to live life properly and not be afraid anymore. Because of all that, I have my big health problems.

And I realized, alone I can not do my vision. Building an innovative book publishing company where every single and extraordinary literature gets a chance, where the community decides what’s coming out, the whole publishing process runs digitally from manuscript to sale, running a fair wage policy like Google and where 5% of publishing sales are for charitable purposes at CrowdCharity for their own or third-party projects, and where other people on CrowdCharity can present their projects and where others can donate. All of the two areas could reach a lot. And if it were just a company with 10 employees in 3 years, it would be a good role model for others.

Last. I will not give up, but I do not have to fight alone for my big goals. Even Tesla – an e-car manufacturer or, as some say, an Apple on wheels – has a big fan base. I always like to take big role models because you can still learn a lot from them. Maybe the time has come for me to start working with my own team again. And the admission that I have to change in several ways if I want to achieve my good goals. And hopefully, my confession will help me get my major health problems under control again. An ex-author of my book publisher again unblock me on Facebook and tell her the current status and apologize. Because now I feel healthier a bit more stable to ever tackle another problem. If you want to support me on Facebook, feel free to contact me. I’ve built a support and team group on Facebook for Nextbookup and CrowdCharity, as well as SoulSquare, the SoulSquare group for dating, love, friends, fun and entertainment, as a magnet to promote Nextbookup and CrowdCharity.

And last but not least, everyone makes mistakes. Maybe I should learn to accept my mistakes and to learn better from them.