Everyday life of a transsexual woman with depression

One of the few days in my current life phase. I feel lonely. My desire is quite natural, I want to be in company with other people my age, most of all in the female sex, where I feel extremely comfortable and feel at home. Few people have known me since school, some more people during my time in Kirchberg, and many since a few months through my Facebook live streams in various groups. I […]
 Activities & Initiatives  

One of the few days in my current life phase. I feel lonely. My desire is quite natural, I want to be in company with other people my age, most of all in the female sex, where I feel extremely comfortable and feel at home.

Few people have known me since school, some more people during my time in Kirchberg, and many since a few months through my Facebook live streams in various groups. I do the latter because I like to meet new female contacts.

At the beginning I wrote yes, in my current phase of life. By that I mean the time since I suffer from my depression since the end of 2015 and since late summer 2017 also from anxiety disorder. Luckily, I realized that if I do nothing, it will be deadly, because depression is a deadly disease.

Why deadly? People with depression can usually no longer see clearly and therefore slip ever deeper. The reasons for this vary, but most of the time there are also personal and professional problems involved. In the end, suicide happens when you can not see the future and be alone.

Fortunately, at the end of 2017, I realized that I had to do something. I recognized my problems and their causes, tried to work on myself despite my depression. But my illness had caused me a new problem and also made my desire for companionship more and more clear.

The new publishing platform of my book publisher is finally available. I could now start with my various projects, but because of my illness, some projects are only roughly finished and would take even more time, which I do not have, because the claims of 5,200 euros jeopardize my publishing house very much, since it is a corporation. One of the three reasons of my depression.

The second reason, I enter my apartment or surroundings. I do not want to be alone anymore. For 5 years I had been active in local politics before the Depression, unfortunately there were no people my age or hardly. At that time I was self-confident and knew what I wanted. Today is clear, in the last 2 years, I wanted to live at Lake Constance, in the Allgäu, in Mainz and now in Koblenz.

Well, the first two goals were more like dreaming or due to my depression. But the other wishes to live in Mainz or in Koblenz, that I can not do more and be in company, people my age and most of all among the female society, I do not care if I’m single, a casual partnership win or find my wife with a wish for children.

And the third reason I’ve lived my life as a transsexual, my male body has made life ever harder for me. My beard grows so much that I have to shave every day, it’s so hard that I have to go over it more often, until you hardly see any beard shadow. But then the skin so irritated that I should not make up my face and the next day my skin would have to recover.

It still goes on. If I have used the hair removal cream to remove the body hair, I may be able to put on a dress easily for about 2 to 3 days, then a leggings or nylon tights and after about 3 to 5 days a shirt with long sleeves, as well as with a short neckline. The skin only tolerates the whole game once every 7 to 10 days. Plus the time required.

Now the time is very important. I will finally be in the day clinic on Tuesday. With the bike I will go there because it fights my fitness and my minimal overweight, as well as have no interest to pay about 120 euros a month only for the bus, where I only get 850 euros sick pay. I’m looking forward to the others, hopefully some of my age, otherwise that will be a joke. But as a transsexual woman to dare in public, it takes about 1 hour to get ready. Shave, wash / style your hair, close your skin and then make-up.

The day clinic may be able to partially open my eyes and maybe get to know new people my age, but it does not really solve my causes of depression, or teach me how to solve them. But let’s be realistic. I have no money to remove my beard and body hair on the neck, stomach and chest by SHR laser, I have no 2.ooo Euro. My book publishing will be closed without the new projects sometime by the district court, so I have to pay the claims of 5,200 euros, so that the second cause disappears. Third, I will be alone after the day clinic and during the day clinic, I will not be able to find a flat, whether in Koblenz or Mainz and build their own shared apartment, also takes time.

So if I do not find an unconventional solution or do something else, it will end like this. I was in a day clinic, maybe a few richer findings, but I lack the resources and resources to solve my causes. My suffering will only become more and in the end I will probably take my own life by suicide or end my suffering and at least for myself as a transsexual woman I have visually and emotionally felt. And in society there is just a suicide more, again a transsexual, again someone who only wanted to be in company and no longer had the strength to professionally achieve something great.

I still recognize this danger, nor am I able to logically evaluate the whole thing. But that’s the bad thing about the depression. When a depression gets worse and you do not do anything, you lose the logical way of thinking and you just see it foggy. In the end follows the famous suicide, as the affected people like to say. Free from suffering, free from the many problems and complete with life. It is not for nothing that life is harder than dying.

It’s also these days where I openly write about my worries. I’m not without reason a blogger, even if a lazy blogger or blog just too little. I want to help myself, but also to help others and to make it clear in general in society, how a transsexual woman feels, what a depression really means for a person and how hard it is to build something alone, without parents and thus without having a backing.

And now that I know what will become of me, if I continue like this. I can not lose anything if I start my own private creative crowdfunding campaign. Already much unconventional was financed by the crowdfunding platform Startnext. And by doing so, I could solve my various problems unconventionally, other than being under society. And I can show a lot already and then elaborate my publishing projects in peace and to get back into shape in peace. Then it would probably be easier to find new people in the city and start your own flat share.